Halloween is by far the most creative holiday on the yearly calendar, but it also serves as a reminder that the dead are walking among us, corporate giants are cashing in on tacky wigs and bald caps, and a hidden sex-crazed vixen lives within all females. Have you watched the latest 'Modern Family' episode where the Dumfries eldest daughter Haley is trying to find an appropriate Halloween outfit and her mother, Claire, nixes all of them? Her first costume is a "scary black cat" - Claire's Response:'Trust me, I am sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue'. Her second outfit: A nurse uniform from when she was 8 - Claire's Response: 'What are you trying to do, get candy or Japanese business men?'. And finally, a Mother Theresa outfit to which Haley exclaims before her mother speaks, "What? I'm Mother Theresa when she was still hot" - Claire's Response: 'I will pay you $10 to put on more clothes.'
What did all these costumes have in common? The slut factor. Short-shorts, even shorter v-jay-exposing mini-skirts and boob-tastic adventures that only a teenage girl can possible think is a good idea. But this slapper-infused costume choice doesn't end once puberty waves a salubrious farewell. This desire to 'let it all hang out' is established in her 20's, 'sextends' far into a woman's dirty-30's and to some extent doesn't end until well into the cougar years of the mid to late 50's. Eek! It isn't the 'Halloween' film epic TV repeats that scares me to death each October, but the slut-factor of all females during Halloween. Girls, take charge and release yourself from this desire to show of your wiggly bits to the drunk and dangerous! Save your V-Jay-Jay from the Halloween Holiday!
Just some of the fantastic selection of costumes available!
I moved to Canada 7 years ago and was geared up for a wild first Halloween in North America, the birth place of this tradition. As a small child, my favourite scene from E.T. was when Drew Barrymore dresses up the little alien for his first foray into the yearly event by draping a sheet over him, and he mistakes the older brothers 'knife-through-the-head' hat for real and tries to heal it with his glowing red finger. The inner drama teacher in me loves to dress up and invent creative costumes a'la "Mr. G" style (Sometimes I just perform for my students"). The year was 2004 and by chance, I found a vintage 80's bedazzled wedding dress (featured in the stagette photos)in a Salvation Army store and at the time Brittany Spears had just got married and kissed Madonna at the Grammy's whilst wearing a wedding dress. So, I decided to go as "Brittany Spears: Death Bride". I thought it was perfect. I blacked out my teeth, put leaves and dirt in my hair so that it looked like I'd crawled out of the grave and drew red lines on my wrists like I'd just committed suicide. I aimed to look as disgusting and grotesque as I possibly could and to some extent, succeeded.
To my dismay and utter disgust, (a more horrifying visions than any scary movie I'd ever watched), I soon realized I was alone in my endeavor to dress this way when I arrived at the party. Every other female in the room had used this Hallows Eve as a way to celebrate the last days of Fall by revealing their hidden nooks and crannies to the entire party. Bumble bees were not sweet little honey-suckling insect on the verge of extinction. Oh, no! These honey bees were alive, horny and ready to suck some other type of honey that I choose not to divulge in in this blog! Sweet fairies, usually demure forest dwelling creatures had become loose and ready for anything with a wand. Sex oozed from everyone, except me. Every part of my body was in character and covered against the elements. I oozed the essence of a misshapen and disturbed dead bride, bleeding and in pain. The only thing painful about the sexed-up Geisha was that she was wearing 5 inch red stripper heels. Therefore, as any good bride should, I proceeded to get disgustingly drunk and began abusing people as they passed by in their sexy outfits. Not from jealousy...Oh no! My subversive behaviour was inspired by a deep outrage! How dare they sex up this precious holiday! My first Halloween was ruined!
But who is to blame? When did the young and innocent begin to swap their sweet Florence Nightingale nurse outfits for the slutty nurse leather numbers? Was it the large halloween distribution costume corporations that convinced us to buy dirty? The media? Or, is it a case girls looking for an excuse to slut it up and get some easy hallows action underneath the skeleton decorations and ghoulish mistletoe before the onset of the cold North American winter?
We spend our lives trying to be sexy. Every day I worry about my cellulite, dark circles and flabby belly. Women have not stopped wearing corsets like those of the 19th century. We've just replaced them with invisible ones. Girls need one day, one holiday where they can dress up, relax and not care if they look less than perfect and quaffed.
This year, as with every year, I am aiming to be quite a bit more disturbing than usual. You may know the character from SNL. 'Doonese' played by Kristen Wiig in the Lawrence Welk Show parody that aired in the 50's. I think what attracts me to this character is the baby arms. This is the only clip I could find: click here
And so posed the creation of the costume: where to find suitable baby arms, a long sleeved dress and a wig that made me look like I have a large forehead. I began with Zellers to find the baby arms. Wandering the toy aisles, I discovered two things: 1) toys are expensive and 2) there is not much choice in Zellers. Many of the dolls had small and spindly hard arms. I wanted the kind that were soft and fleshy , larger sized plastic hands, with prominent digits. Moving onto Toys'R'Us was much more fruitful, but I was feeling a little queasy at the prospect of buying a toy that looked like a baby, with the sole purpose to cut off it's arms and sew them onto a second hand dress. Upon entering the store, I came face-to-face with a mother holding a small child who was having trouble extracting the trolley from the trolley line-up. I gallantly stepped in to help her to remove it, with the vain attempt to garner brownie points before mutilating a small baby-doll that I was about to purchase. Feeling a little better I entered Toys'R'Us.
I was immediately lost in a sea of imaginarium wooden toys, no dolls in sight. I approached a sweet, ernest-looking employee wearing a bright red vest. "Excuse me, do you sell dolls with big arms (that I can rip off to attach to my halloween costume)?" I mimed doll arms out to the side of my body and tried to look as innocent as possible, not voicing my inner thoughts of destruction and doll mutilation. "I mean, do you have a doll section?" She nodded and pointed to the next section over. I slunk away and began feeling up Baby Alive, checking the girth and mailability of each little doll arm. I eventually found a sweet little life-size baby with soft and long squishy arms with large hands that looked easy to remove. And, it was at a reduced bargain price of $14.00. It was perfect. It's tiny jumpsuit read, "You and Me". Awww. My heart twinged, but I pushed the feelings of regret aside. This is Halloween! Stop being a wuss! I made sure to get a gift receipt so that afterwards I can re-attach the arms to return it to the store to get my money back. I purchased the doll before I had second thoughts and left quickly to make my costume come alive.
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| Hands attached to dress |
I digress: this holiday should be fun, no matter what you wear or who you want to become for the one party that you choose to attend. I get why 'the slut' is a popular choice. It is our one day to be who we want to be and more often than not, a large amount of alcohol is consumed to keep one warm no matter where one might be or what one might be or not be wearing. Anything goes on this night, after all, it is a ritual of inversion. And as long as the intention is to be creative and you feel comfortable in your choice of costume, then wear what ever you please! Just be sure to keep the V-Jay-Jay covered.
Some past Halloween Costume Photos:
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| Swine Flu: Pigs with Wings |
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| Face-Book |
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| Creepy Doll from the play poster of My Sister Violet |
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| The Exorcist |
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| Chad, my exorciser priest |
